“Find You On My Knees”

Written by: Kari Jobe

“I Will find you in the place I’m in… find you when I’m at my end… find you when there’s nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness…”

Life is full of ups and downs; seasons of harvest and seasons where the fields stay empty. There are moments where we are surprised by joy, and moments where we are faced with impossible tragedy. It’s a journey that takes place on a narrow road, and sticking to it means that there will always be valleys that can’t be avoided and trials that offer no detours. It’s a long obedience and one that even armed
with the truth can feel incredibly lonely at times.

I think it’s something that every believer has felt. It is that moment where you feel forgotten; the moment where silence in loud. The moment where you feel alone and wonder where God is in it all.

Jeremiah 29:12-13 says “When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen. When youcome looking for me, you’ll find me.” (The Message)

That’s the promise of our God. That He will always, always meet us where we are if we are simply looking for Him.

Wherever you are, whatever you’re walking through, God is with you. Be still, take heart, have faith…you can’t miss Him.

Find You On My Knees

Ok, so that whole thing was a devotion that Kari Jobe posted from twitter today. I looooved it! I have been experiencing a lot of the ups and downs lately. I didn't expect much different since I was moving 12 hours away from everything that I was comfortable. I can say that it's days like that that are making me more dependent on Christ. The hard days are mostly because of my stubborn personality that wants to do everything by myself. I just gotta remember it's a daily surrender to Him. So easy to say, sooooo hard to actually do...

First, I can't believe I made a blog. I always said I wouldn't make one of these because I am not good with writing… Like at all. So sorry you decided to read this! Feel free to close it at any time. My feelings won't be hurt :)

A lot of people have asked me "Why did you move all the way to Maryland? It seemed like you were so happy and things were good for you." Yes! I was and they were. When I went to Haiti in July and my life was changed. For the better. 

Once I finished high school, I kind of liked the idea of moving away but not enough to actually do it. I am very close with my family so to be away from them was basically out of the question. Being a missionary was something I thought would be pretty awesome but again, being away from my family? And most likely out of the country?? Noooo thank you! I still think that would be extremely hard but God has really changed my heart because now I am praying that one day it happens :) Even if it's just for six months. I would love to have that opportunity! I went to Haiti in July of 2011 knowing that it would be good for me but also a hard trip. Well it was much better and much harder than I could imagine. I'm so thankful that I was able to go and for what all God showed me while I was there and even when I came back home. 

After that week I was an emotional wreck. I remember the day I got back I cried when I brushed my teeth because of our running water. I cried myself to sleep most nights for a few weeks and then sometimes I wouldn't really know why I was crying but the tears seemed to always be there! 

This is when I started praying about where I was at. I had been at J. Andrews Salon for a year now and I absolutely loved it! It was such a great salon to work at and I was so thankful for my job. I really couldn't have gotten into a better place for my first "real" job.  My boss, Catharyn, was SO much more than my boss. She was/is such a great friend. I have told her how thankful I am for her but she will never really know how much I love and appreciate her! She had also been to Haiti before so she was good to talk to after my trip because she really understood. After my trip, I remember telling her that I didn't have anything lined up but I was praying about different options. She was so supportive and just excited for me. I bet you all are thinking you want a boss like Catharyn, and you should be because she is the best :) I had emailed a few different missionaries just to see if there was any volunteer opportunities available. I didn't hear back for a month or so and by this time I was thinking "Maybe I am suppose to be here after all?" (As you can tell, patience is not one of my gifts:) I was just very unsure about a lot. One day while I was doing my sister Anna Beth's hair, we were talking about it all and at this point I felt like I really was going to be somewhere besides Macon, Georgia. Still didn't have any clue about where but I just felt like it wasn't going to be there. She asked if I had emailed camp yet and I said no but I had thought about it a lot. (I know my family reads my mind. Seriously. It's WEIRD.) I told her that I was thinking about it but I was just nervous to email them. She basically said that's ridiculous and you are emailing them tonight. And she was dead serious. So that night I typed out an email to the director and didn't actually send it that night because I had my sister Rachel proof read it on the way to Disney World the next day :) She approved it and said send it so there it went! I was both nervous and excited now.

Just so you know, I have an iPhone so normally I get emails on my phone right away but for some reason my phone wasn't doing that this weekend so it made me panic a little. I didn't think it was anything with my phone because Apple is basically perfect so I started thinking "Maybe I shouldn't have sent him the email?!" But then at dinner one night I was surprised I hadn't got one single email in almost 48 hours so I clicked on my email and 50 something came through right then! All but two of them were junk mail but the others were from my church and Mark Bates!!! I told Rachel that I got one back before I even read it and she asked what it said and that's then I decided to read it :) Basically he said if I was feeling any call at all to be an active part of the ministry that he would do what he can to work it out. They were looking for part time help with the housekeeping so I could have a part time job going into it and I also could live on the property and help with the retreats they host on the weekends. So this would be a job that I could be involved in working with this ministry and still do what I went to school for. WIN, WIN. Basically after about a week of praying, and then hearing more about it, I told them I wanted to do it. I think I confirmed it like the second week of December and the date I was suppose to be at camp was January 13. I had one month left in Georgia. One month. 

I thought for sure it'd fly by but thankfully it didn't! It didn't go by slow either but it was just the right amount of time. My last night we had all the family over, Catharyn and her family, and one of my best friends Sarah! My mom cooked one of my favorite meals... Breakfast! And my moms is really THE BEST! I enjoyed spending my last night with all of them... Until it was time for the goodbyes. Of course I was crying like a baby! Especially when I had to say bye to all the nieces and nephews. I miss them so much. Other than that, it was the perfect way to spend my last night! :)

The next day, Mom and me started the loooooooong drive up north. I drove all but 30 minutes when my eyes seriously wouldn't stay open. I don't really know how I drove as much as I did but I was pretty impressed :) The next few days she stayed with me to help me get settled. That was such a fun three days! We had a ton a laughs and just a lot of good talks. I am blessed with seriously awesome parents. So thankful for them and my relationship with them!  I was able to share a lot with mom those days and I'm so thankful that I did because now I have someone else to pray for specific things with me :)

Once she left, it hurt. I couldn't believe I was alone! (And by alone I mean without any family around--I still had a bunch of people from camp around!) I have always lived in Macon, Georgia and it's kind of crazy because all my family is there too--with the exception of my brother who is a Marine and currently deployed in Afghanistan. So since I've been here, it has been kind of scary at times but I'm doing just fine :)

I started applying for a few jobs once she was left because I am not a fan of being job-less. Is anyone really? It stresses me out way too much and makes me miss my family more. I found myself panicking most days because I would just think the absolute worst. Like no one will ever hire me so I won't have any money and I will just have to move back home after a month. Thankfully, I have a little daily devotion book from my mom and for about a week and a half it was talking about trusting God and would give great scripture to go along with it. God knew I would be needing that :) Thankfully I did find a part time job after about 2 weeks! It's at a little boutique in Annapolis and I really do love it! Working in a boutique isn't something I would ever want to do for the rest of my life but it's a good start for me right now. God has already been teaching and showing me a lot in these last 30 days. I really do believe it's stuff that would be much harder for me to experience and learn if I was still in Georgia. Maybe I'll be in Maryland the rest of my life, maybe I won't. I'm not worried about that right now because I know I am where the Lord wants me right now. I have no doubt about it. I'm so thankful for my new home and all that I am experiencing. Good and bad.

For those of you that made it all the way down here, I'm impressed! See what I mean about me being a terrible writer? I wasn't lying :) Now I just ask that you keep me in your prayers! Pray that I keep my focus on Him. 

May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in Your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:14